In Waiting

Today is Mothers Day.

I have been blessed with a beautiful daugher and a miracle son.
They are my hearbeat.  

But, I wanted to write this post today for the moms "In Waiting".

You see, I don't think #1 many people talk about infertility struggles

and #2 I don't talk about my struggles much.

Only a handful of people know any details of my reproductive issues.

For whatever reason, Cory and I were married a short 6 months when we found out I was pregnant with Autumn. Now, this was a shocker, seeing how I was told at 15 that it would be very unlikely for me to ever concieve. And I was still on the pill. Weird, I know. But, God had His own plans.

So, at this point you're probably wondering "well, what are you talking about infertility? You had a baby."

Yes, I did have her. And I could not have asked for a better pregnancy. It went amazingly.

And I guess after we had her, my body took heed to the words of the doctor from my teenage years. I'm not sure what happened.

Autumn was 2 and we started trying for another baby. Three years in between kids would be perfect, right?

After 4 years of trying to concieve, we landed in a endocrinologist & infertility specialist office. After a year of seeing him, two surgeries (a laporoscopic, D&C & a cervical biopsy), lots of funds, and a ton of heartache ... we were at the point to move from drugs into IVF or AI. Through the year of going to the specialists, his diagnosis was "it's not impossible that you will get pregnant, just improbable" ... (without IVF or AI). At the time, we could not afford this, and once we prayed, Cory wasn't on board - things were already tight. I was downhearted, but eventually came to terms with it.

Now, during this year of going to the specialist (before starting drugs though) we found out we were pregnant. It was the day after Autumns 4th birthday (2005). We were actually in Orlando because we had taken her to Disneyworld. I had taken a test in the hotel room (yes, I brought one with me cause I knew it was around that time!) and it came up positive. I came out of the bathroom in shock. Cory thought I was dying. Then I told him the good news. We stopped at CVS in Orlando to get another test, then headed straight to Olive Garden for lunch to celebrate. Within a week & a half of being home, I started having severe abdominal pain. It was a Wednesday. We made a call to the infertility specialists and went in to see what was wrong. The test then came up negative. Their comments were sweet, trying to assure me that if I got pregnant this time, hopefully I would again. I remember making a few calls to tell people. One of my dearest friends came to sit with me while Cory went to preach that night at church. I didn't ask her to. She just knew. It was a godsend.

In December of 2005 we decided to end our efforts with the infertility specialist. We were at a crosscroads. Endometriosis was the main cause of my infertility, but other factors played in as well.

Surprisingly, in January of 2006 I found out I was pregnant again. It was the beginning of the month. Within 3 weeks, I was in my work office on the floor in such pain I thought I honestly might die. Cory ended up rushing me to the ER. By the time they did the D&C all test results were negative. They gave me pain meds and sent me home. Our womens retreat was the NEXT DAY. I thought, "God I am not going to a remote place with a bunch of women who have no clue what I'm going through. I want to be alone and I don't want anyone to try and make me feel better. I don't wan to be fake or smiley. I'm hurting. And I don't want to pretend".

My amazing husband encouraged me to go. He said it was my choice. I decided it would be better than sitting on the couch and slithering further into depression.

The speaker was Kim Kirchoff. I was so unfocused and in such a fog, that I can't tell you anything she talked about. I don't remember the theme for the weekend. I just remember it was in Apalach. On the last nightly session we had with Kim, she had got done speaking. People were praying. Aundrea  & Justina were doing worship. In my flesh, I did not want anyone to pray with me. I just wanted to sit alone and "be". Only a few people knew my history and the recent loss. BUT ... here came Kim. She put her hands around my face. She didn't look at me. She had her eyes closed and spoke softly into my ears. She said "God has not forgotten you. He is going to be beautiful."

HE???? Does she know what she just said?  

She said HE is going to be beautiful!!!

Later that year we had some friends speak to us and to our hearts. We did not go to them about our struggles. God brought them to us. They encouraged us to do communion together. To pray together as a family. To pray scriptures with our names in them. To claim the promises He gives us.

We did all this with an open heart. Midway through 2006 I felt God tell me that by the end of 2006 I would be pregnant and we would not lose this child.

I remember going on the ski trip with our youth group over New Years of 2006. No baby. I was interally withering away. I was losing faith. I was struggling. How could I hear God wrong?

January 22nd of 2007 (the day after my birthday) I took a test and it came up POSITIVE. I knew my God had followed through on His promise. If you do the dates, I found out January of 2007, but I'd actually concieved him in 2006. So, by the end of the year I was pregnant! I was going to carry a baby boy and HE was going to be BEAUTIFUL.

Needless to say, September 18th, 2007 Easton entered the world with more love than he will ever be able to imagine. He is called our "miracle baby".

You may ask me what my problem is with infertility then.

I guess I'm not infertile .... I'm just not fertile.

HAHA ... that's a new concept!

After having Easton and Autumn 6 1/2 years apart, we decided to not use any birth control when Easton was about a year old.

We have since then been to ready to have another child. I've resigned to the fact that if we aren't suppose to have any more, then I'm okay with that (some days I'm not okay with that though, if I'm being honest).  It's been 18 months and no signs of a baby.

Here is what I deal with that makes it hard to concieve:

#1 ... I have stage 4 endometrios.

#2 ... I have a retroverted uterus. 

#3 ... I am underweight.

#5 ... I drink a lot of caffiene. (This one I am working on).

I know this was a long post, but I just don't think people talk about their struggles enough. We should share our burdens. You never know who else is struggling with the same thing.

On this Mothers Day, I am so grateful for my precious babies. They are Gods gift to me and I do not take them for granted.

If you are a mom "In Waiting", know that there is hope, even when it seems hopeless. When things look "improbable", remember we serve a God who can do the impossible.

In 1 Samuel 1:27 God heard Hannahs cry, and he can hear yours too. "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."